“If you make life for your kids a never-ending rainbow of delight, without rules or expectations and without trial and failure, life on their own will be a thunderstorm of challenges they are unprepared to handle. Life will soak them, because you didn’t allow them to create their own umbrella.”
by Dan Bauer
Why do we always need to swing the pendulum so far in one direction?
Why do we always think there must be a better way and continue to take a wrecking ball to the “old school” methods that served us so well?
Before you rudely cut me off and interrupt me like I am a conservative panelist on CNN, or a liberal on Fox News, let me explain. I am not suggesting we return to the days of Woody Hayes grabbing a player by the facemask or Bobby Knight tossing chairs across the gymnasium. I am not advocating for a return to team hazing initiations, denying water during the heat of summer workout or berating players publicly. That is simply swinging the pendulum too far back in the opposite direction.
I am simply imploring that we allow coaches to coach and not cuddle up to the popular methods of gentile parenting. This style of raising children hasn’t aged well and the fruits of it are soft and entitled young adults who are completely unprepared for life’s impending challenges.
Coaching heads continue to roll from the vindictive parental guillotine that won’t hold their own kids accountable but has no issues with slandering and berating coaches. From high school down into the jungle of youth sports, coaches who are doing their job, are being pushed out or voluntarily stepping away from the toxicity of these Jekyll and Hyde parents.
Mirroring a current cultural theme, it is the minority that are making the most noise. I will maintain that most parents understand the role of coaches and the job we expect them to do. They do not always agree with everything but have the intelligence and restraint to allow their kids to be coached. For those parents, I will continue to beat this drum, that your restraint should be shelved when it comes time to support your coach.
I will maintain that most parents understand the role of coaches and the job we expect them to do. They do not always agree with everything but have the intelligence and restraint to allow their kids to be coached.
Manipulating words and their meaning, another new and annoying fad, seems to be trying to redefine coaching.
If a coach can’t sit a player for a shift when they repeatedly make the same mistake, that has been pointed out to them, without emotionally crippling the player and igniting a parent firestorm, then you don’t need a coach, you need a cheerleader who will jump up and down regardless of the situation.
When a player crosses the line and argues with an official, or throws a fit because of a call, and the coach can’t calmly reprimand the player, without a hostile response from the player and the parents, then you don’t need a coach, you need a fun-loving babysitter who doesn’t really want to discipline anybody.
If the shift totals and ice time minutes don’t meet the player and the parent’s expectations, and the body language response is pouting or anger and the coach gets a call, email or text from the parents, then you don’t need a coach, you need a kindergarten teacher to make sure everything is fair.
Don’t sign your kids up for a sport if neither of you are capable of handling criticism or coping with adversity or failure. Good kids, that are coachable, are a product of good parenting and, well, you can figure out the other half of that statement. If you want your player to learn anything from this experience, you will need to learn to get in the back seat, close your mouth and let your athlete drive.
This is after all their journey, not yours.
Soft parenting is based on warmth and comfort. Athletics is full of cold, hard truths, conflict, competition, structure and challenging yourself to escape your warm comfort zone. If you as a parent are incapable of pushing your child and holding them accountable, that is your choice, but expecting a coach to do the same is ridiculous.
If you make life for your kids a never-ending rainbow of delight, without rules or expectations and without trial and failure, life on their own will be a thunderstorm of challenges they are unprepared to handle. Life will soak them, because you didn’t allow them to create their own umbrella.
Athletics guided by competent coaches who are allowed to coach your kids, and not just be a hall monitor, or overprotective expectant mother, will provide an experience that prepares them for the inevitable hardships life brings. They will learn that nothing great comes without hard work and that attitude, perseverance and decision making will determine who they ultimately become and what they can accomplish.
Wisconsin’s current high school coaches body count is at an even dozen. That calculates into the same 11% reduction you can get at Menards. And that number will likely grow before next November 9th. I know of at least one other coach that survived an unwarranted parent ambush.
Admittedly I do not know the circumstances in every one of these changes, but I know quite a bit about many of them. Often these dismissals are about playing time or a lack of wins, but no administrator will ever openly admit the latter. Or they run out the same tired cliches like, we need a change in direction or a new voice.
Good coaches all bring the same voice because there is no secret sauce to success. They just package it differently. Ice time will still be earned, discipline required, effort and compete rewarded, decisions assessed and selfishness intolerable.
I have had coaches tell me that their administration personnel never made it out to a game, but they magically have the data to support making a change. Some are given a pink slip without warning, no in season communication of a problem, no meetings, just a gentle push out the door.
That is administrative incompetence and dismissal of the wrong person.
Parent and player surveys are a popular evaluation tool used today, but instead of being used as discretional feedback for improvement, their comments are viewed as gospel and lead to the execution of good coaches. When it comes to evaluating coaches, we have lost our way—we have forgotten what their job really encompasses.
I can safely say that no competent coach will ever make every player and parent happy throughout an entire season. The unrealistic expectations that exist today make that impossible. There will always be parents who want the coach gone—every season. I will never defend unethical, toxic coaches that have no business blowing a whistle. I will, however, defend honest, competent, passionate, character-building coaches who are just doing their job until my last breath.
It’s that important to me.
That takes us up to date where coaching turnover is at an all-time high. Programs continue to cater to those disgruntled parents and believe that the next coach will be different. That revolving door of coaches is the quicksand that sinks programs into mediocrity and puts good coaches on the shelf.
We have created a shortage of officials because of similar behaviors, and if we don’t reverse this trend soon, coaches will become the modern-day dinosaurs.
Dan Bauer is a freelance writer, retired teacher & hockey coach in Wausau, WI. You can contact him at drbauer13@gmail.com
